How Politeness Helps Us Understand and Teach Language

 When we speak, we’re not just sharing ideas—we’re also building relationships. This is where politeness comes in. In the field of pragmatics (the study of how meaning is shaped by context), politeness helps us understand how people protect each other's feelings and social identity. This is known as “face,” or our emotional and social self-image—the version of ourselves we hope others will respect (Yule, 2014).

Imagine “face” as a kind of invisible mask we wear in conversations. When someone speaks in a way that respects your mask, it feels good. But when someone is too direct or dismissive, it can feel like a slap—it threatens your face. That’s what researchers call a face-threatening act.

What Is a Face-Threatening Act?

A face-threatening act (FTA) is any expression that challenges someone’s dignity, freedom, or desire to belong. For example, telling someone “Give me that book” might sound bossy unless you're in a position of authority—like a teacher or supervisor. In most situations, such directness can come off as rude.

Now, compare that with “Could you pass me that book?” This small change makes a big difference. It softens the request, respects the other person’s freedom to say no, and shows consideration. This is what we call a face-saving act—a way of expressing something without threatening the other person’s social or emotional space.

Two Sides of the Face: Negative and Positive

According to Yule (2014), we all have two basic needs in communication:

• Negative face: the desire to be independent and not feel imposed upon.
• Positive face: the desire to feel accepted, appreciated, and included.

Let’s break it down:

• If I say, “I’m sorry to bother you, but could I ask a favor?”, I’m protecting your negative face by showing I don’t want to pressure you.
• If I say, “Let’s figure this out together—you and I have the same challenge”, I’m appealing to your positive face, by building connection and solidarity.

Understanding this difference is powerful. It helps us teach language in a way that includes not just grammar and vocabulary, but also empathy and social awareness—skills our learners need in real life.

Culture, Politeness, and Misunderstandings

Politeness is not universal—it changes from culture to culture and even from one language to another (KhirAllah, 2020). In some cultures, being direct shows trust and closeness. Saying “Pass me the salt” at dinner may feel completely natural. In others, that same phrase might sound harsh or demanding.

Let’s say someone asks, “Are you using this chair?” Depending on your cultural background, you might wonder: Do they want me to move? Are they just curious? The truth is that they might be making a polite request without saying it directly.

And it is that pragmatics—the ability to understand what someone intends to say, beyond the literal words—is where real communication happens. If we ignore this layer of language, we risk misunderstanding each other, even when our grammar is perfect.

Why This Matters for You as a Future Bilingual Teacher

As a bilingual teacher in training, this knowledge is a tool you can use daily. You’ll work with learners from different cultures and language backgrounds. Some may sound too direct, while others may seem too hesitant—not because they’re rude or shy, but because they’re expressing politeness in the way they’ve learned.

The more we teach our students about face, politeness, and cultural norms, the more confident, respectful, and effective they become in real-world conversations. And the more we reflect on our own language use, the better we connect—with our students and with each other.

References

KhirAllah, G. (2020). MEBS01 Sociolingüística y Pragmática [Coursebook].

Yule, G. (2014). The Study of Language (5th ed.). Cambridge University Press.